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What not to do when you start dating again

What not to do when you start dating again. As the world begins to open up (I hope it does anyway) you may be thinking about getting out there into the world of dating. 

Maybe it has been ages since you had a real date that wasn’t just a walk in the park with a takeout coffee! Or maybe you didn’t even get past those Zoom chats. 

I have put together a brief list of not to’s based on some of the things that have come up for my clients in the past and how these things led to them continuing to see people that weren’t a good match.

Putting on a performance

Be authentic. If you’re trying too hard to perform, they’re probably not the right person for you and they will be attracted to the performance, not the real you.

Telling them too much emotional stuff about your past

This could be your way of gaining attention and also, they can use it against you if they are that way inclined.

Coming on too strong

This can be based in your insecurity. It can be intimidating and stop the relationship developing

Being too rigid in your needs

Try not to line everyone up against an idea of what you want. It is dating, not an interview! You may have your list of priorities wrong too, based on your needs being maladaptive.

Not learning from past relationships

Take some time to and maybe explore with a professional your relationship history.
Past patterns are a good indicator of future results.

Moving too fast

A lot of us love the dopamine rush of a new relationship and it feels good. Pace yourself so that you can really get to know someone before you decide to integrate them into your life fully or tell them they are the one.

Ignoring red flags

Big one here … it is very common that we may so want this to be okay that we ignore those signs that we need to take seriously. You know it isn’t going to work out well in the end if they are raising the flags for you.

Posting too much on social media

Recently I met a client who cryptically spread the word of new relationship and then made the big reveal! Then the posts of everything they did and everything they felt was everywhere. Their new partner didn’t like this and swiftly ended the relationship.

Establish clear boundaries

This can link back to your past relationships, how you see yourself and what you allow and don’t allow. Be mindful of how you want relationships to be and set the tone for this from the beginning. If you let things slide at the beginning they are not going to stop.

Being too available

It can be tempting to drop everyone and everything when you first meet someone new. This can lead to co-dependency and toxicity. Make time for friends, family and hobbies so that it isn’t all that you have.

Don’t ignore sexual incompatibility

An unhealthy sex life can have a massive impact on your relationship fulfilment. It will need to be addressed if after the initial getting to know each other the physical stage doesn’t improve. We all like what we like so don’t be afraid to express this. Obviously if you are uncomfortable with what they desire, you don’t have to do anything!

Some of these things are about the person sitting in front of you and some are based in your relational experiences and beliefs. 

If you find that you are doing a couple of these things then it may be time to address your own relationship history to understand why!

Be good to yourself.

John Kenny
John Kennyhttp://www.johnkennycoaching.com/
John Kenny is a Transformational Relationship Coach, Founder of Interpersonal Relationship Coaching (IRC), Author of The P.E.O.P.L.E. Programme, Speaker and Documentary Maker. He has been involved in the field of personal development for over fifteen years and in that time has not only helped thousands of clients, but has also completely changed his own life. He spent his life full of self-doubt, carrying negative beliefs from his childhood that impacted in every area - his relationships, his career and his time as an International Athlete. It has become John's passion to help as many people as possible to live a life that they choose. IRC is a fusion of Coaching, Counselling, Hypnotherapy and NLP and is used to unlock the things that stops people achieving, that holds them back, keeps them stuck and unfulfilled - to living the life that they choose.

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