Why some people won’t apologise!

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Why some people won’t apologise! Or if they do then it is never really sincere! You have probably experienced times when people find it so hard to say sorry! I know that I have and it can be very annoying.

It seems as if those words are just forced out of their mouths, or they are followed with a but, or you may just get an “okay”. It makes it worse when we all know how helpful an apology can be and I bet they want one from you.

What is this about? It isn’t that hard to apologise right! Well, maybe not you, but definitely for them.

Here are a few reasons why sorry seems to be the hardest word (thanks Elton).

It Is Gives Them a Positive Boost

People can feel courageous and less passive – the feeling that they are defending themselves, standing their ground, or not giving in makes them feel good about themselves. Not apologising is good for their self-esteem.
If withholding an apology gives us a sense of strength and integrity, it’s no wonder that some people won’t say, “I’m sorry.”

Emotional Fallout

Some people will choose not to apologise, as they really just can’t cope with any feelings where they can be seen as doing something wrong. For example, if you think an apology is humiliating, you’re not going to do it.
Accepting responsibility for their behaviour is just too damn hard for them to face!

Learnt Behaviour

Some are never told that they are in the wrong as they grow up because their parents don’t know how to tell them without fear of losing their love. Others won’t apologise as they had to keep apologising when they were growing up and these situations have led them to not being able to say it now.

They may have seen it modelled that problems are not resolved, things are just swept under the carpet and no apologies were ever offered, so they just don’t know how.

Fight, Flight and Freeze, Or the stress response

If their emotional reaction to situations sends them into stress response then they are likely to need to do one of three things – fight, flight or freeze. They will fight you, run from the situation or just clam up depending on how they react to stress.

Manipulation, Power and Control

To hold the upper hand in a relationship is crucial to some people because to them it can mean survival!
Yes indeed, survival!

Those who need to be in control or in a position of power will manipulate a scenario in order to maintain a sense of self. A delusion built up since childhood that keeps them in a ‘safe’ space within their heads. ‘Gaslighting’ is a term now widely used to describe how someone will try and make you responsible for everything and to question your own sanity in order that they can exempt themselves from any responsibility. To apologise for them will just be too painful and their brain tells them this needs to be avoided at all costs.

So, there are a few reasons why someone will find it hard to apologise. In a nutshell, it isn’t that they can’t – it is that they won’t.

For them the results of them doing so are far too dire to allow. As the photo says – they are closed!

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John Kenny is a Transformational Relationship Coach, Founder of Interpersonal Relationship Coaching (IRC), Author of The P.E.O.P.L.E. Programme, Speaker and Documentary Maker. He has been involved in the field of personal development for over fifteen years and in that time has not only helped thousands of clients, but has also completely changed his own life. He spent his life full of self-doubt, carrying negative beliefs from his childhood that impacted in every area - his relationships, his career and his time as an International Athlete. It has become John's passion to help as many people as possible to live a life that they choose. IRC is a fusion of Coaching, Counselling, Hypnotherapy and NLP and is used to unlock the things that stops people achieving, that holds them back, keeps them stuck and unfulfilled - to living the life that they choose.

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