Christmas Gatherings – how to make them autistic friendly. Picture this …
It’s noisy, paper tearing, music on (you have no say about what music), people talking, tree lights flashing, lots of movement. Routine changed, unfamiliar food, uncertain of next activities. No safe space. Expectations of behaviour, hard to meet, even when understood, you need to look happy and engaged all the time, or potentially face criticism.
Constant need to actively communicate. Stressful tiring, headaches. Admit to headaches, and you are told you are spoiling Christmas for someone. Don’t and you are told you should have admitted to the headache. Creating rules to follow to avoid criticism. Just trying to fit in, survive. Sometimes counting down to when you can go back to your own world. And relax.
Not your idea of Christmas? Well welcome to what it can be like for autistic people, if not all, all the time. I know. I have experienced much of the above, if not all at the same time. It can be hard stressful. A time of the year to look forward to the end of sometimes.
Why? There are many reasons, these are just a few.
- Loss of routine – bed times, meals, TV, hobbies
- Change in food – unfamiliar food, allergens, drinks
- Loss of personal space – sleeping arrangements, in public rooms, shared rooms
- Expectations in socialisation – small talk, ‘correct’ responses
- Environmental factors – noise, movement, smells
- Energy management – partially due to travelling and pre-Christmas preparation
- Stress management – safe space, emotional management
Autistic people sometimes find themselves being accused of deliberately spoiling events by their words and actions but this is not intended. Rather, try as they might, they struggle to fit in with expectations without stress and tiredness, draining batteries. And it takes them time to recharge batteries, sometimes not enough at events.
So how to make Christmas not only more bearable but positively friendly for autistic people?
This is divided into various sections, and there may be some overlap, but I hope this will help make it easier to understand.
Energy
Autistic people can run out of energy quickly, and recharging can take longer. Headaches can result from tiredness and stress. The following may help:
- Fidget toys – accept the need to use these
- Headphones – to listen to own music, shut out unwanted noise
- Recharging space – space & time to recharge a little
- Apps – with calming music, meditation sessions, mindfulness, or relaxing music with images
These may help with energy levels required in a social environment.
Socialisation expectations
Socialisation takes energy, masking to please the hosts or other attendees. Understanding what socialising means to everyone can differ.
- Present – just being present can be enough, happy observing
- Saying right things – don’t criticise always for not showing correct behaviours
- What to say – don’t always know what to say
- Facial expressions – can’t always provide expected expressions
These would allow relaxations, helping energy levels.
Food
Christmas can feel it is all about fancy, unfamiliar food, which you must be positive about all the time. It is not easy to show this emotion when you don’t like certain foods or textures.
- Forcing – don’t force them to eat food really disliked. They may say nothing but it will show non-verbally. Allow some flexibility
- Allergens/ Interolerances – have food that avoids these, they are not choices
- Drinks – respect people’s likes and dislikes within reason.
- Snacking – eating times may be different to normal, allow reasonable snacking between meals
If there is no stress about food and drink there will be less stress.
Activities
There will be different activities and timings which may be stressful.
- Give warning – of change of activities, outings
- Enforced participation – avoid this where possible. It may be due to tiredness and lead to poor feelings
- Playing games – accept watching, not actively taking part. That may be enough.
- Hobbies/solo activities – good for relaxing and recharging
Allowing some choice and freedom will result in a more relaxed and positive environment that will be looked back on with happiness.
Gifts
We have all received gifts we do not like, and dutifully said how nice they are. Unable to say the truth. Unsure what to do with them without causing offence. So how to prevent it?
- Give ideas beforehand – if you know what you want. It can be hard to know
- Give what has been asked for – where possible, however small or insignificant they may seem to you
- No idea, distance too great – Vouchers are really useful & valued, and the preferred item can be obtained
- Undesired gifts stated? – take note of this, don’t criticise it, to get a clear idea of unsuitable gift
Gifts will be valued more, with authentic reactions. And be more relevant.
Conclusion
Whilst Christmas gatherings are important events they can be exhausting, especially after the run up. Autistic people can especially feel this, and feeling they must try to fit in with expectations can be hard, and include masking. Taking time to listen to what someone is saying, verbally and non-verbally, not dismissing it make it much more relaxing for all parties.