How to find your tribe. I am not alien to feeling lonely. As an expat mother of four boys, I have had moments of intense loneliness. Especially when the children were little, and my husband was away for work. I am not the only that has felt this way.
Last year the World Health Organisation declared loneliness a global health public concern. This global epidemic seems to be hitting parents particularly hard. Indeed, 66% of parents report feeling lonely sometimes or frequently.
Parents who feel lonely are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and stress. It is associated with an increased risk of heart disease and cognitive decline. A recent study concluded that the health impact of loneliness is comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness is not only negative for parents’ mental and physical health, but it is also negative for our children. They are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and impulsivity. They also have more chances of being less socially competent and to grow into lonely adults. Parents’ loneliness also has societal and economic costs. Lonely parents tend to be less productive at work, are more likely to be unemployed, have more problems going back to work after a leave of absence, and present higher rates of absenteeism. Lonely pregnant women are twice as likely to visit the hospital as non-lonely women, putting pressure into the healthcare system.
Loneliness is more prevalent amongst some groups of parents. Single parents, new parents, parents of neurodivergent children, and immigrant parents are particularly at risk. Working parents also report feeling lonely. If you are a working parent, thoughts such as: “My son asked me why I never help on school trips”; “I left my team in the middle on an important presentation to pick up my son because he had been sick at school”, or “I arrived to work almost in tears after dropping my daughter kicking and screaming at daycare. No one in my team is a parent, so I felt as if I couldn’t talk to anyone”, may sound familiar. People sometimes do not understand why working parents can feel lonely, after all, we are surrounded by people all the time, right? However, we do not have to be physically alone to feel lonely. We can be surrounded by hundreds of people and yet feel lonely.
As parents, we feel lonely because we have lost our tribe. Before the 1800s families lived in small communities surrounded by their extended family, friends, and neighbours. With the industrial revolution, people left to the cities, leaving their extended family behind. For the first time, people were living alone. By the time they had children, they had no support system around them. With time, families became smaller, work became the centre of our lives, and technology and convenience replaced human relations. Now, instead of chatting to our neighbour while queuing to buy bread in our local shop, we get our food delivered. If we go to the shops, we are wearing our headphones. We have created a society that does not facilitate human relations. Moreover, our society is not supportive of parents and their children. When we look back, we realize that, contrary to what we have been lead to believe, being lonely is not an inherent part of being a parent.
The workplace can be a perfect place to find our tribe. Having a work tribe can make all the difference to our success as working parents and carers. Your working tribe can be the colleagues who step up when you have to run to pick up a sick child, a manager that does not schedule meetings first thing in the morning to allow you to drop you kid at school, the manager who promotes a mother while on maternity leave, or the ERG of parents who get it.
Perhaps you like the idea of having a work tribe but may not know where to start. If this is your case, you are not the only one! Indeed, people who feel lonely report finding it difficult to make friends. Social psychologist, Marisa G. Franco, argues that because our ancestors did not have to look for connections, we still assume that adult friendships happen organically. The reality is that friendships do not just happen. We need to make them happen. Dr Franco argues that to make a friend we need to follow this process: find and attend a group that meets regularly, assume people in the group like you, start conversations with others in the group, and invite your favourite person in the group to hang out one-to-one. How would this look like in your workplace? Find or create an ERG for parents and carers or a group around a hobby of yours (e.g., running, a book club, or wine tasting), choose the member that you like the most, and ask them to hang out after work or during the weekend. If you are a parent who works from home, try the same strategy joining a local group.
As a working parent, it is key that you find your tribe to make a success of your parenting journey. As for me, my children are now teenagers and young adults, and I was lucky enough to find a wonderful tribe. With them, I have shared hospital trips, school runs, playdates, birthday parties, and Sunday lunches. They have enriched my life and my children’s lives. And for that, I will be always grateful.
