Overcoming personal challenges is hard work and takes one to recognise and acknowledge the obstacles first! Having lived-experience of two difficult relationships – one which was physically abusive and the other which involved coercive control; I had completely lost track of my mental wellbeing.
The fact of the matter is, I had no idea that these traumatic experiences had turned me into a noxious human being who had begun an internal war with herself to prove that she cannot be underestimated. I became this negative person who would only see the worst in others and get into a fight easily. As a result, I started attracting such dissenting people everywhere.
Abusive Relationships
My 1st domestic abuse experience was sadly at the hands of someone who should have known better, they were a doctor. The verbal abuse, being mocked and his dominance over me was so extensive that I had started typing sentences on Google to check if they were grammatically correct before I uttered them. I started dressing up exactly the way he liked, starved myself to death so that I did not put on any weight. I did this because he liked slim women. I even developed a different personality type, just to prove that I was worthy of him.
As he was very good around my parents and friends, they saw these changes in me positively and encouraged me to follow his suit. Divorce came as a shame to my family and when I told them about the physical abuse, undergoing a divorce was seen as a bigger shock!
They say, we learn from our mistakes but I needed more lessons in relationships. After 6 years of family and societal pressure, I got married again! This time I was away from my home country where I experienced the second innings of abuse.
My worst fears of failing another relationship had come true. I had the most abusive mother and sisters-in-law and a very tricky father-in-law. My husband was a puppet in their hands and a narcissist of the highest order. I tasted the bitterness of my own medicine and saw my reflection in my mother-in-law and husband. This made me realise how I have been behaving after the first divorce.
It was an eye opener.
I learned a lot from these life shattering experiences and now, looking back, I am full of gratitude for the person I have become.
Important Aspects
Red Flags – They are not easy to identify when you grow up around them. Yes, I am talking about impacts of cultural background, parenting, societal pressure. I was made to believe that divorce was a bigger shame than the abuse in my marriage. No one understood what I went through and so I thought I am making too big a deal about it. This was a major reason behind not taking an informed decision the second time.
Family and Friends – A supportive family and empathetic friends can make a good support system for an alienating person, however you should check their advice! During my second marriage I was told that I need to go an extra mile to maintain a good relationship with my ‘in-laws’ and to get theirs and my husband’s love and affection.
I gave my 100%, even in my second marriage but with the baggage of traumas of the first. I learned to take decisions, big or small, for myself without getting influenced by my ‘loved’ ones, the very hard way.
Pause to heal – After the first broken and damaging relationship, I paused but did not heal. Mental health was not even heard of at that time (10+ years ago) and taking therapy or counselling was considered only for the clinically mad and the judged. I moved jobs to avoid meeting the same colleagues who knew about the divorce, made new friends and avoided the old ones and their questions and concerns.
I turned into a frustrated, always angry, demanding respect pedantic person. Garbage in, garbage out!
People around me complained that I was rude and I responded saying that they deserved it. I really needed therapy, coaching, and some help to heal my wounds. The only problem was that I saw the rudeness as my strengths. My true self got covered under the debris of my broken heart, crumpled confidence and the shame of two failed relationships.
Life Lessons
Losing yourself – In a relationship, when, one starts doubting their decisions, questioning their ability to think and if their confidence is at the rock bottom, know that you have been gas-lit. Take a pause, and tell yourself that it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Boundaries – In the beginning, every relationship feels special. Every thing around us looks rosy. This might not feel like the right time for setting boundaries as we are wearing the rose-tinted glasses. Soon the time comes when we start craving for the same feeling in this relationship but by then it has taken a different shape.
Since there were no boundaries, the other partner has already started to take you for granted. So, create your boundaries without fearing any disruption in your relationship very early on.
Involvement of Family and Friends – In my second divorce, I involved my family and friends only to the extent I needed and shared limited information. I took professional support and filed for a non-molestation order and my ex and his family received a restraining order from the court.
It is important to keep family and friends close but do not let them influence your decisions as ONLY you know what you are going through.
Taking professional help – This is the most important step no matter how stigmatised it may sound. I took therapy and coaching to work upon my traumas. Today I am in a position to give advice as a Breakup & Divorce coach only because my coach held the torch to show me the way forward and now. I am holding the ladder for my clients.
Indispensable Tips
✓ Love is not a destination; it is a work in progress. Do not get off at the very first stop, learn from your experience and use it for your growth
✓ If you do not feel right in a relationship, do not delay, deploy your parachute at the first opportunity and jump! Precaution is better than cure.
✓ Meditation is a game changer. One should not wait for something unpleasant to happen in order to start meditating. Spending even 15-20 minutes in a day for meditation can bring enormous mental health and peace.
✓ Gratitude is spoken of everywhere but not practiced in its true sense. There is no existence without gratitude. Another word for gratitude is acceptance. Starting the day with thanking everything around you and going to bed in a grateful state cannot be matched to any therapy
✓ Taking Responsibility is about your ability to respond to a situation. The moment you respond by accepting it, you will see options opening up. On the contrary, if you respond by rejecting it, you will shut down all the doors
