Toxic bosses and bullying in the workplace. I was on my way to A&E. If someone had told me then that shooting pains in my chest and top of the shoulder, going down the side of my ribs were stress related, I would dismiss them as crazy.
But it was stress.
Hard to believe, but true. At 29, I had just been promoted to associate director in the London office of a Japanese subsidiary. Little did I know I’d become the target of subtle and later, not-so-subtle – bullying. My work was constantly criticised, I received passive-aggressive comments, and the tension left me on edge, wondering when the next blow would land.
I tend to carry stress in my neck and shoulders, but this prolonged period of high pressure triggered my body’s alarm bells. The pain I experienced was severe, difficult to diagnose, and, as I later realised, the direct result of stress.
What I understand now is that if we remain for long periods in stressful situations, our body will do its best to signal to us that it is under attack, by generating acute pain which can become chronic pain, and even life-threatening illnesses … as Gabor Mate, a world-renowned trauma expert would say: ‘when the body says no.’
This was an experience from a couple of decades ago and yet I remember it vividly. I didn’t know how to deal with a toxic boss who displayed narcissistic tendencies and alternated between being very nice (buying me small gifts!) and bullying me and micro-managing me, as well as making disparaging comments out of the blue …
I wish I had known then what I know now.
Let’s take a closer look at workplace bullying and explore strategies for dealing with toxic bosses.
Bullying in the Workplace: A Widespread Problem
According to a recent study 47% of UK workers have observed bullying at work and one in ten have experienced it. Other studies cite even higher proportions of employees experiencing bullying in the workplace, unfortunately pointing to a widespread phenomenon.
Bullying can occur between individuals or groups, but what typically defines bullying is an imbalance of power. The Anti-Bullying Alliance describes it as “the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power. It can happen face to face or online.”
When it comes to workplace bullies, a toxic boss is particularly damaging. They control the environment – deciding who gets praised, promoted, or punished.
Identifying a Toxic Boss
The first step in addressing a toxic situation is recognising it. Toxic behaviours may include:
- Micromanagement
- Bullying and intimidation
- Gaslighting or confusing communication
- Emotional outbursts that cause chaos
- Double standards
- Manipulation, false promises, and deception
- Passive-aggressive remarks or microaggressions
Unfortunately, toxic bosses can be hard to identify at first. They may appear charming, even benevolent, but their true nature becomes evident over time.
Understanding a Toxic Boss
If you are experiencing bullying right now and living a nightmare working with a toxic boss, the last thing you need is to feel empathy for them and understand why they are the way they are. Right? Actually – WRONG.
Understanding what is driving the behaviour of your boss may be helpful. Often, erratic or bullying behaviour stems from deep insecurity or inability to handle stress. Your boss may be under a lot of pressure they are simply not able to handle, they may not be up to the task, and they may be a poor people leader at the same time. They also may have some intrinsic psychological traits that may manifest in both their personal and professional lives, such as sociopathy, narcissism, etc.
Understanding your boss’s motives and behaviours, especially the underlying causes of those, doesn’t mean that you justify them or tolerate them. This perspective allows you to distance yourself emotionally, giving you the clarity to address the situation from a place of empowerment rather than victimhood. You may realise that all of this is “more about them than about you”.
How to Deal with a Toxic Boss
There’s plenty of advice on how to handle toxic bosses, but the effectiveness often depends on the size of the company and available support structures.
In smaller companies, directly addressing the issue may be difficult if HR resources are non-existent. In such cases, your options may be limited to seeking external advice from a mentor, coach, or legal professional.
In larger organisations, consider addressing the issue directly. Schedule a meeting with your boss to discuss the behaviours that are causing you distress. Be specific about the actions and how they are affecting your work. Set clear boundaries and maintain a calm and professional manner at all times.
Ask yourself the following:
- Do you have a network of supportive colleagues who can offer advice and emotional support?
- Is the company culture toxic, or is this behaviour isolated to your boss?
- What is important to you, and is this situation worth fighting for?
If the company culture is rooted in politics, favouritism, and toxic behaviours, it may be time to consider leaving. Working with a coach or therapist can really help as you will be able to see things more clearly and picture your life and career outside of the current all-consuming emotional drain. There are plenty of good employers out there, just make sure you are deliberate in the choice of your future boss.
Moving Forward
As a career and leadership coach, I’ve heard countless stories of bosses applying excessive pressure, isolating employees, and pushing them into burnout through manipulation and muddled communication. Unfortunately, in most cases, the situation only ends when one party leaves – either the employee moves on or the toxic boss is fired.
In some rare cases, a toxic boss may receive coaching, which can improve their behaviour. But more often than not, the best solution is to create an exit strategy.
Conclusion
If you’re dealing with a toxic boss, you have three choices:
1. Minimise your exposure: Stay in the role but limit your interactions, though this risks long-term stress.
2. Confront the issue: Address the behaviour, and seek internal and external support (colleagues, HR, trade unions, a coach or a therapist).
3. Leave: If nothing changes, plan your exit and find an organisation where you’ll be valued.
Surprisingly, situations can resolve themselves. In my case, the toxic boss I once struggled with was eventually fired after her behaviour became untenable.
Remember, all things pass. You deserve a workplace where you’re respected and supported.
