Autism, grief and feathers. One night I was woken up and was told that my dad had died, found dead in his house. I don’t remember if I cried. I was 15. I only cried in public 3 times the following year outside of the funeral service, of which I remember very little. I did not talk about it. I may have cried in private, I do not remember.
At that time I did not know I was autistic.
Queen Elizabeth dies. I never knew or saw her, but I’d made my scouting promise to her. Saluting the union flag at cere. I could not cope and had to seek help. My line manager understood, and let me have a support call in work time.
Every now and again I find a budgie feather which does not belong to a current budgie and think back to my time with them. In a logical way.
Yes I did have family and friends so why did I not open up to them? Because like so many autistic people I suffered from Alexithymia, not knowing how I was feeling, and therefore unable to process my feelings. And feeling shame in crying. I did, and do continue to have short burst of tears ‘cloudbursts’ relieves a build up, but not necessarily much more at the time, for multiple reasons.
Bereavement is a complicated process, different for everyone, moving through different stages.
Some accounts of Autistic people I have read is that they did organising and practical jobs as they were the only ones not overwhelmed by grief. But later on they did total crack and lose all executive functioning. Also a logical side can kick in, over the emotional side, like the Vulcans in Star Trek.
Now bereavement, be it of a family member, major public figure or pet is never easy for the person, or those around them.
Processing
This is not easy to do, to express in any form.
Draw – emotions, picture it. Colours are good.
· Write – note pad, write in private, how you feel. Crying as you do so is easier, you can say what you like with out judgement.
· Music – that makes you remember the person. Cry if you want to. If these are songs that arise in public, it’s fine to cry.
· Talk – to trusted family or friends, those who do accept how you speak or sound.
· Read – there is some information out there, but very little on autism & grieving.
Support
This is very important, it could come in many forms.
· Patience – it may take time for an autistic person to open up, lack of trust, or just not knowing how they feel.
· Listening – or being ready to listen, however it is expressed.
· Give permission – to open up, if they want to.
· Follow up – maybe when the person has thought and calmed down.
Don’t expect quick, logical, clear responses, but trust can build.
Anniversaries
These can be really hard, birthdays, death days, national days etc. I continue to find Father’s Day tough. Bringing back emotions and memories. The build up can be hard too.
· Visit graves or other important places – reflect, leave gifts
· Reflection time – if you are not near an important place
· Talk – to someone, work support, friend, another organisation
· Leave a gift or card – I find that helpful. I also have made a card and burnt it. It’s one way to give.
These may continue to be emotional events to navigate, but should not be forgotten.
Conclusion
Do not assume that just because there is no obvious emotion support of the person is important, how and when, in company or alone. Remember their way of showing grief may not be yours.
