Silence is golden – answering back is bad – not always with autistic people. Have you ever been with someone who is very quiet, or uncharacteristically so? You ask a question. Maybe get nothing back. Or an explosive reaction.
What have you done wrong? Why won’t they open up when you were just showing friendship or concern?
If someone is autistic it can be hard to know for them to know what they are feeling, let alone express it when asked. It is called Alexithymia. For this, life experiences and other reasons autistic people do not always express themselves or show their emotions.
And when they do it can be more extreme than might be expected. And you may not know why. And it can be so easy to judge the responses, react in a way that shuts down communication. I sometimes feel there is little between no reaction and overreaction.
I will explain some below, base on my own experience. And remember that once you know one autistic person you know one autistic person and reactions may vary for a number of reasons.
Silence
The reasons for silence, or near silence, and the best way to deal with it can vary from person to person and specific situations. Here are some examples:
1. Happy in own world – you can try and engage them, but it can be best to leave them there if it causes no problem. At one place of work I would read in my lunch break, whilst the others talked. I would be recalled at the end of the break.
2. Fear of criticism, responses, feeling that won’t be heard – gain confidence, open listening, show interest in person and interests, genuine friendly vocal tone, ask open questions.
3. Overwhelm and stress – emotionally so tied up inside it is hard to recognise, express it. Allowing being able to express it in our way and time helps. Be patient. It is not intended to be personal.
4. Shutdown – it can look like sulking, to get something but it is a silent sign that help is needed. If suspected, show that you are there, wait until communication happens, make suggestions with easy answers. Allow recovery time as they can be tiring.
5. Social setting – could be happy just being part of the group, observing & listening, saying little. Alternatively it could be it is too noisy or distracting, or want to enter the conversation, not sure how. Asking, engaging in light conversation may help.
6. Tired – just needing time out to recharge batteries. Socialising takes energy and autistic people can lose energy more quickly, and take more time to recharge.
7. Lack of trust – based on life experiences autistic people can take longer to open up and trust others. This trust can be fragile, taking time to get to know the person, admitting mistakes in communications helps develop communication.
Being flexible and open to reactions, not taking offence will help ascertain the best action.
Noise
Again this can be an area of possible confusion even when you think you know an autistic person well.
1. Happy – wanting to share interests, listening for a while, showing trust.
2. Sad – needing someone to talk to, get it out of their system. Active listening helps a lot, to resolve issues, asking open questions helps, even if the response may not be quick. If there and then is not easy arrange another place/time, show active interest.
3. Found a ‘friend’ – but does not show it in a neurotypical way, not engaging at the expected level of conversation, saying too much maybe.
4. Anger/frustration – as feelings can’t be held in. Rather than judging active listening helps, then asking questions to deal with feelings, and seek a way forward.
5. Over defensive – no making a point, seeking to explain a situation. Active listening, accepting what they are saying is what they feel, and discussing it.
6. Thinking out loud – can be seen as waffling, but is often talking through thoughts and ideas. Rather than asking for succinct contributions listening, waiting and asking to clarify helps.
7. Meltdowns – can look like tantrums, but do not seek to gain anything, just had too much, can’t express the feelings in a normally accepted manner. They can be tiring. Accepting them, being ready to listen, giving a safe space and recovery time helps.
8. Social situations – not knowing when to enter a conversation, or how, without being seen as interrupting. Actively asking them can help, just accept the response as it comes & when.
Conclusion
Don’t make assumptions on what you think is behind the silence or unexpected response. Even if you think that you know someone. It can be hard to know whether to ask open or closed questions or just suggest course of action. Admitting not getting it right helps.
Be prepared for a delayed, sometimes a significantly delayed response, or totally unexpected response. Possibly quite explosive response or be talked at initially.
Be patient is my final message. Autistic people may not open up easily, or trust, based on life experiences. Gaining trust may be a longer process than you expect. Give it time, go with the flow and show you are open and willing to work with them, as they and you will gain a greater understanding.
Editor’s Footnote
Jo Farmer is a Featured Columnist for The Maverick Paradox Magazine, you can read her articles by clicking below:
