Why Saying the Right Thing Isn’t Always Enough

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The Communication Trap: Why Saying the Right Thing Isn’t Always Enough. I have a saying that plays repeatedly in my head, “Just because we can, should we?”

This article in Inc. Magazine vividly contrasts two conversations that Steve Jobs had with other business leaders. One was a model of effective communication, while the other was a cautionary tale. This stark differences underscores the crucial role of communication in leadership.

I will leave you to read the article and reach your conclusions. However, my point is that communication is as much an art as a science.  There are probably thousands of courses on how to communicate, what to say, how to say it and even various AI prompts to help you articulate your point of view if you are stuck.

The challenge is that none of these courses can tell you what to say and how to say it in the moment when tempers are flared, egos are bruised, and you believe you must be perceived to be right, no matter what.

None of these experts can be experts on how you will act or react in a certain situation or what you will say when someone makes a statement that incites and provokes.

We as leaders need to learn through experience what to say and what not to say in various situations. When it is time to be persuasive, when it is time to allow people to be wrong and be quiet, and when it is time to let them have a short-term victory,

None of this is easy; most of it is learned through trial and error.

The trouble with communication is that it is attached to emotion – both your emotions and the emotions of those you wish to influence. What you say may not be what they hear, understand, or value. Hearing is contextual and is based upon experience, biases, both learned and unconscious, and how important the subject is to the person you are trying to influence.

Most people do not listen to understand when temperatures rise. They listen to hear what is contrary to their point of view, then spend the rest of the time that you are speaking not listening but rather formulating their answer based upon that specific piece of information. Unfortunately, if you are honest with yourself, you do this too, as do most of us.

So, with that in mind, we say things that we probably should not. We speak to advocate singularly for our point of view while negating what others say and devaluing them both for their ideas and sometimes as human beings.

None of this is productive, and this does not just happen in face-to-face situations.

We now live in an asynchronous world. Instead of speaking face-to-face, on the phone or via video, we send text messages, emails, Slack messages, social DMs, and other forms of digital communication.

All of which are easily misunderstood and can and are taken out of context.

Have you ever had an SMS conversation where a message comes out of sequence? Receiving that vital information later because of a technology glitch can completely change one’s understanding of what was meant to be said. Also, when people don’t respond to us in a manner that we perceive to be timely, we feel disrespected and this can colour the entire conversation negatively.

Therefore, we may have had no ill intentions through our communication, but a simple exchange can lead to misunderstanding, mistrust, or worse, because of how it was received and perceived. With all of this in mind, it is vital for us to be deliberate about how, when, and through which medium we communicate. In other words, sometimes, when we would prefer to send an email or a text, we should just pick up the phone or walk across a room.

Are we using mediums that those we wish to communicate with embrace? Some people like phones, others like Slack, and others are fans of DMs on social media. These may not be your favourite forms of communication, but that is irrelevant. If you want people to actively listen, you need to provide information in ways that are comfortable for them, using language and analogies that they resonate with.

So, what are you doing to ensure that you are not just speaking but rather being heard, understood, and valued? That what you desire is being embraced by others and that they are willing to engage?

All of this takes deliberate action, knowing what to say, when, to whom and understanding why they should care in the first place.