Think You’re Empathetic? Here’s Why You Might Be Getting It All Wrong. Let me spill the beans without beating around the bush – Empathy is misunderstood and often overrated.
The term empathy has gained popularity over the past couple of decades. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean people are more empathetic than before. One reason? Many don’t truly understand what empathy entails. Let me share an experience to illustrate this…
A few years back, I was assigned a special project at work. My role was to develop a design analysis methodology and tool to ensure the product was robustly engineered. I even got to hire someone to work alongside me. Together, we consulted with business experts to fill our knowledge gaps and collaboratively developed the method and tool. After piloting it, we made refinements based on feedback from end users. We were ready for launch.
Then, I got a new manager who wanted to review what we’d created. He suggested several changes, none of which added any real value. Nevertheless, we made some changes but held off on implementing those we disagreed with.
At this point, my manager said he understood that the project was personal to me – that it was my baby – and that he understood how I was not comfortable with him making suggestions. He probably thought he was being empathetic, but he couldn’t have been further from the truth.
I had no problem making meaningful changes if they improved the design or solved an issue. We had already incorporated valuable suggestions from the engineers who piloted the tool. So, valid changes weren’t the issue; change for the sake of change was the problem.
My manager assumed how I would feel about it. This was a classic example of empathy gone wrong. Like many people, he put himself in my shoes but continued thinking from his perspective. He assumed I would feel as he would if he were in my position. He was essentially projecting, not empathising. This happens often. Projecting is very different from empathising. Do you see why I think empathy is often misunderstood?
The Variability of Empathy: Not Everyone Can Empathise Equally
Understanding that empathy isn’t a one-size-fits-all trait can be eye-opening. Studies show that while empathy can be nurtured, people differ significantly in their natural ability to empathise. Influences like genetics, early life experiences, and socialisation all contribute to this variability. For example, certain genetic markers are linked to higher levels of empathy, while others, such as personality traits like agreeableness, influence how easily empathy develops.
This natural variability means that while some people can intuitively tune into others’ emotions, others struggle to empathise or may feel empathy fatigue when exposed to high emotional demands. It’s no wonder that some people can “walk in your shoes” easily while others may fall into projection, thinking they understand but still viewing things through their own lens. This variability is why some of us can listen deeply and feel along with others, while others may need additional cues or a conscious approach to connect on that level.
What Can Replace Empathy? Holding Space and Genuine Curiosity
Since not everyone has the same capacity to empathise, holding space and cultivating curiosity can be powerful alternatives. I had an emotional response when asked to make changes just before the tool’s launch. My manager could have simply acknowledged that I was experiencing certain emotions and then gotten curious by asking how I genuinely felt about making these changes.
Holding space means acknowledging and allowing people to feel what they feel without judgment. Curiosity involves an open-minded approach, seeking to truly understand others’ perspectives and emotions rather than making assumptions. Curiosity helps us avoid projecting our feelings onto others.
We’re not mind readers, and our responses are shaped by unique experiences, memories, and beliefs. Therefore, attempting to guess how someone feels – and assuming they’ll feel exactly as we would – is imprudent and unfair.
Holding space brings another advantage. When you hold space for others, you set aside your view of how one should feel in a given situation; you become open to allow the other person to feel what they feel, even if it doesn’t align with your perspective.
Tip for Practicing Holding Space:
Next time a colleague shares something, try asking, “How do you feel about it?” instead of assuming what they might be feeling. This shows curiosity without projecting and opens a safe space for them to share authentically.
Let’s aim to hold space for others and cultivate curiosity rather than assume we already know what they’re feeling.
Question:
How often do you find yourself projecting your feelings onto others, thinking they’ll feel the way you would? What difference might it make if you approached these situations with genuine curiosity instead?
